3 Little Birds Sit on my Shoulder...

Three little birds sit on my shoulder.

I catch them looking back at me in my reflection.

Sometimes I forget they are there.

Around them weave waves of blue water, crystal blue like both of your eyes.

A large sea-shell lies in between them, bold yet fragile as you were.

I carry it on my back.

They crash into one another the waves, the birds, the shell, to me they have always been one.

“Avery, what is mommy’s tattoo?” I ask my nearly two blond haired boy.

“Mom-mom, pop-pop angels.” He says proudly.

“That’s right baby.”

“Pretty,” he says exaggerating the two syllables.

I hear your voice when you first saw Caleb’s music noted arm.

“That doesn't impress me,” you said in that way you do, Philly strong.

I hear your voice and I smile out loud.

“Well too bad,” I say with a smile with my inner voice.

It allows me to tell your story in a different light.

It’s a mentor, a part of me, a beautiful sad love story.

“and we’ll share tomorrow together.”

I taught your  fun little grand-baby the lyrics the other day,

he especially loves to wail tomorrow, putting his hands in the air.

Until tomorrow my mentors. 

Until tomorrow, but there is still so much good to come.

You know, your with us.

“Why hello, what would you like to feel today?

“Why hello, what would you like to feel today? She asks.

“Today…,” I pause to think.

Most days she chooses for me so I am struck.

“You mean I get to pick? I ask with childish wonder.

She moves her hands to my shoulder, the pressure builds.

I hold my breath, but remember that’s exactly what she’s reminded me not to do.

 “Like I said, what do you want to feel today? She says calmly, her tone irritating me.

I raise my eyebrow and glare at her; I am my thirteen year old self.

“What options do I have? I ask my tone increasingly tense and irritated.

“You my dear, you have the power to choose.” She replies like a soft flute melody.

She is calm, centered and meditating slightly even during our conversation.

She whispers, “What would you like to feel today?”

The serenity of her voice is just beyond my reach. 

I shift into her melody, if only for a brief second and am surrounded by positive energy.

“I do want to be in that space,” I utter with a tear falling down my cheek.

“Then be that space,” she whispers and disappears like a figment of my imagination. 

I am not the person I used to be.

I don't have a name. I don't know what to do. I am not the person I used to be...
I used to be Dana with a mom who was bold, selfless and strong.
Who was always there and who I sought to make proud without everyday.
Summers at the shore, airport pick ups filled with smiles, the joy she shared over my son.
I used to be Dana with a dad who was the most generous dreamer.
Who was always there when I landed with a smile, fidgeting his hands and telling stories.
When it was a simply task to quiet my mind and be with myself.
We used to be the Nardello’s
We used to be a family, under the willow tree at Ridgefield Road with and Italian market.
Memories of days at St Albans swim club, baseball games, crabs and spaghetti, water ice and the cousins playing on the beach sand.
I grew to be Dana.
Driven and unstoppable, who found love and started a family in the Rockies.
Who prided herself on visiting home as often as possible and not losing her east coast roots.
I used to be Dana
Now I am someone who lost both her parents in a year, an adult orphan?
I used to be Dana
Now I am anxious energy, the inability to handle solitude without fidgeting and filling the silence.
Now I am unsatisfied, always feeling I am not doing enough and what I am doing isn’t worth it.
Now I am haunted, images of dad alone in his bed, moms deep hollow breathes.
I am not Dana, yet
I am not sure who I will become.
Waiting. Waiting on a miracle, waiting to wake up, waiting for you to return to us.
Most days I am still waiting and now I am not sure for what.

Haunted and heartbroken without you

I still wake up with nightmares. 

I am haunted of who you were when you couldn't be yourself. 

You wanted to say, "this is not me," 
I wanted to believe it and still do. 

But that version of you, that's what really lingers. 

I want to remember the days when you boldly carved your path,
when you did more than fight to be with those you love.
I want to forget how helpless you felt,
abruptly shifting into moments of reality and fading away fast. 
I want to remember the ocean clarity of your big blue eyes,
when hopefulness and strength shined through rather than pain.
I want to remember when you looked and felt beautiful,
when your blond hair framed your face. 
I want to remember your big smile,
the loud belly laugh you shared in unison with your sisters. 

Though you slipped away from us into other loving arms,

"hey mom, how did you get away from daddy?" 
Your daddy, and ours too were whispering in your ear. 
"Your dad is making this happen faster, but it's easier for him."

I know they were at the edge of your bed,
but so were we. 
Waiting.  Waiting on a miracle, waiting to wake up, waiting for you to return to us.
Most days I am still waiting and now I am not sure for what. 

I wish I could say that dreaming of you made me feel you near. 

The nightmares, a joyous celebration of your life.

But, I can't yet find joy in your memory. You were my life. 

Maybe I am not ready to celebrate.

I don't have it in me to dance. 

Images of people showing they cared through song and dance. 

I watched from the sidelines, scared, lonely, unable to move on. 

I wanted to hear your confident tone.

Maybe I am not ready to listen. 

I don't have it in me to trust my own voice. 

A Letter to You

Dear Baby Bub,

The moment is almost here. Your daddy and I are dying of anticipation. Though we feel like we know you already, it's time to meet you in person. To us, you are a little beautiful soul. We think you are calm because you sure have been good to me during this pregnancy. We also believe you have a strong streak but the way you furiously move my belly in moments. We also wonder if you are shy, or purposefully playful for the way you wouldn't let us capture your furious movements on video camera when we try. Each time we lift my shirt to capture it, the movement stops! We love you whether you are playful, shy, or just messing with us. We are still unsure if you are Avery or Adeline. Most of the pregnancy your daddy thought you were no question Avery, but lately I have been feeling that you might be Adeline. Your a blend of energy to me, and I don't get one or the other. Which is great. A boy with female characteristic (perhaps sensitive and calm like Daddy) and a girl with male characteristics (perhaps strong and determined like Mommy). Who knows?

You should know that every day we talk about you, we admire your movements, we discuss what you will look like. We picture you in our lives. Your daddy was specifically touched by the little bath tub you will be using here soon. Sitting in the bathroom tub, he couldn't help but push the button and play the little song it sings. He pictures your little body in the bathing hammock and says it just melts him, almost to tears. For me, its the little socks. I have always loved baby feet. And, right now 2 days after your due date your baby feet are kicking (visibly) right under my right breast pretty frequently. I look at the little socks in the room, how tiny they are, how tiny you will be, and I just can't wait to welcome and care for you.

Your daddy is amazing. He is a wonderful husband and will be the most amazing father. During this pregnancy he has taken the best care of us. He has cooked meals and cleaned the house. He has been there to do this and that when my energy level has been low. He is such a blessing to me and to you. He has laughed with me, and laughed at me. He even let me test our the breast pump to make sure it was working on his tiny hairy eraser nipples- his nipple pulling inside and out of the breast pump. I laughed hysterically. (This story I shared with all the woman at my baby shower!) He's the best and we are so lucky to have him and I can't wait to see him holding you in his big arms. I promise to put all of me into this journey we are about to take, I don't do anything halfway. I promise to love you unconditionally and strive to help you see that you can chose happiness and lightness in all you do in  your life.

And, you are not just loved by he and I. Your grandparents and "aunts and uncles" of many kind are dying of excitement. Everyone can't wait to see who has been in my belly growing throughout this time. Who we created during our dream come true wedding that had the greatest ending, you! To some you are baby Merlot, to some you are baby Bub (your daddy and I's name for you) and for others, you are baby A. Either way, you have a fan club already who is texting me all day dying to know if it's almost time to meet you!  I keep telling them, I feel great, the same, just waiting. And, our bodies have really worked well together. So well, that I get the sense that you are in no rush to join us in the real world. But, we promise when you decide to do so, it will be as comfortable.

So, on that note. We will see you soon! We hope you have the most relaxing entrance, knowing you are loved from the moment you take your first breath.

Love mommy (and daddy)

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

"The waiting is the hardest part

Every day you see one more card

You take it on faith, you take it to the heart

The waiting is the hardest part..." Tom Petty

I've been hearing the tune of one of my favorite men this week. And, I couldn't agree more. Pregnancy has flown by. Everyone said this would happen, but wow the anticipation is greater than anything else I have experienced. I remember lying in my bed half-awake my wedding night, happy butterflies ticking my belly. I remember telling myself to close my eyes and go to sleep. It's been like that for over two weeks now. 

My midwife Jayne thought I was going to have our little one in our arms the weekend of July 27th/July28th and that date came and went. Today is my official due date, August 7th 2012. I am filling my days, among working from home on educational needs with long walks with my hubby and swims at the pool. And, our eating out budget sure is at its max! Thanks Jayne for recommending we live, enjoy, eat out, have romantic dinners now before our little consuming-blessing arrives. And, Caleb and I never hesitate to treat ourselves! 

The house is ready, organized and reorganized. Baby bub's room is meticulous, everything is in place. Extra diapers will be deliver by Amazon, every drawer is organized, beds are made, bags are packed for the hospital visit, and as my by Tom said, the waiting is the hardest part. 

And this little one's entrance is torturing others. The daily text messages, calls and questions. Like my morning check in from Danielle, sending me love or seeing how I am feeling. Hearing the same from Laurie, Gina, Julie, Sarah, our moms and others daily. I can't even call my mom anymore! I have to preface the call with "I am not in labor..." The post office guy said this morning, "Still round I see.. no baby yet huh?" He predicts a baby girl. 

For the record baby bub, you should know the following. Mom-mom shelby, Papa Rob, Gina, Patrick, Lisa, Sarah and the post office guy are predicting girl. Me-ma Tucker, Laurie, your daddy, and mostly everyone else is predicting girl. 

Either way, it's an exciting week full of predictions.Gina arrives Thursday and my mom on Friday on my 30th birthday. My body is ready, I have amazing people who support me, and it's truly no lie when I say I feel great. I am ready for both the mental and physical challenge that is coming. When the moment comes, I will be ready, and more so I will be excited. 

My belly at 39 weeks 

I am blessed and if the waiting is the hardest part, I will wait patiently (well as patiently as I can!). I know we are going to be elated with love and joy soon. 

A Mother Tucker's Pregnancy Journey

In so many conversation during pregnancy, mothers you know and admire, (and sometimes strangers) recall their journey with you. Like the lady at Maggie Moo's ice cream shop the other day who told me she gained 95lbs with one kid and 9 with the other...Uh...ok thanks :) But then there are the conversations you do want to have, like with my sister Gina over every detail, or with my Tucker sister Laurie about the two very different deliveries she had, or remembering details of my cousin Lisa's pregnancy, and chatting with friends about the context of their journeys. And of course our mother's journeys. As my mother-in-law Cindy was recalling her memories (33 years later) of carrying Caleb, it triggered something in me. When I look back and share the details of this time in my life with my future child (or daughter in law) there are some key things I hope to remember and if not, here I have it in writing.

1. Yes we have names picked out but this little guy or girl has been "baby bub" from the start. Wondering where the name comes from? Yes, bubbi is also the name for a Jewish grandmother, but somehow Bub and Bubbi is Caleb and I's name to one another. AND, Julian our nephew called Caleb "Uncle Gub" when he couldn't pronounce his name so it's all too fitting. Baby Bub the son or daughter of Uncle Gub :) And, then constructed by my girlfriend Allison, it's second nickname is Baby Merlot. Well, of course because of the whole wine country baby creation.  

2. Baby bub/Merlot has been an active little one. This child inside loved to show it's skills. Shifting my belly left and right. And every time it's dad-to-be tried to capture it on video, it was suddenly frozen still. (Perhaps messing with us, or camera shy;) His or her personality will reveal itself soon. 

3. Throughout pregnancy my goal was to be "normal Dana" and so baby bub went to many live music shows, several of which were baby bub's father's band Dielectric Sound. This baby also camped many weekend in the Rocky Mountains, and took a fantastic trip to Philadelphia visiting the Jersey shore for it's first introduction to beaches and east coast delicious food. All while partaking in educational policy and reform, yoga classes, and coming along as I married two couples! I learned during this time that the baby barely noticed his/her daddy's loud drums on stage, but went nuts to the sound of him playing the harmonica (on stage and by the campfire). And, marrying two couples including a beautiful friend of mine Danielle was extra special with a kicking baby inside.  See my wedding officiant blog here.

June 2012: (32 weeks- Over 8 month)

4. For the most part, people's reaction has been "you barely look that pregnant, your how far??" And, my reaction has been great, "I am okay with that, because I sure feel good." So far, at 33 weeks, my baby has been good to my body, and I have truly been doing really well. I have had a great pregnancy. Just feeling like more and more like an old lady (insert Caleb's mocking old lady voice) hoisting me off the couch late night, or watching me slowly hike up our stairs. 

5. On another note, ultrasounds were really amazing at our initial doctor's office (see the 3d picture below).  I was always on the 3d/4d machine which made for amazing photo-opportunities. But, through this process I intuitively I didn't want any additional fear or stress on myself and so I switched to a midwife practice at Swedish hospital. There was instantly less fear, less worry, and it suited Caleb and I's philosophy on trusting the process. Now our baby will be delivered by the same midwife (Jayne Jones), as his or her cousins' Lydia and Morrison. Though the ultrasounds are less like the Glamour shots we got used to, the practice is soothing. After all our bodies know what to do. 

6. Though the early ultrasounds were incredibly active, baby was in yoga poses and moving around wild, now our little baby face most stares at us (see photo). Last week, at 32 weeks Caleb referred to our child lovingly as the "Terminator," partly because he has an affinity to imitate Arnold. But mostly because we got a skeletal stare- with round eyes moving slowly left to right, left to right, left to right. Maybe it's those infamous Devine/Nardello eyeballs after all ;) 

And, even though I feel great, for the last couple of weeks and for the rest of this pregnancy I am on a modified bed-rest. I have to be off my feet as much as possible. Which is hard for me, almost as hard as not talking with my hands :) And, at about the same week as my sister, just yesterday they gave me a steroid shot to enhance the baby's lung development and strengthen my cervix. Quite common actually. So, I am almost 34 weeks and my midwife's goal is for me to get to 37 weeks, so our baby does not need respiratory support. And my personal goal is to make it to Nate and Courtney's Estes Park wedding on July 21st.  I am taking it easy.  

So, these are a few of the things that I will hold onto about this pregnancy. And, of course there are many anecdotes and memories that are between a couple. There are things we laugh about with one another and the subtle loving relationship shift that feels so nurturing that occur. I will also share with my child and whoever ask, the power of what we can create in our worlds. 

Like a gift from the universe for a career shift that came my way with supportive professionals who have enabled me abundant support throughout the finale of this pregnancy. Less stress, being treated as the professional I am, and a four day work week this school year for long weekends with our baby. I am blessed. And, like my powerful mother, I too believe in the power of creating what we want in this world. Sometimes I am asked, "are you scared?" or "are you worried?" I can genuinely say no. I chose to only live knowing that we can create the best for ourselves and for one another and that ultimately it is you that is creating your reality. And, I already know I have created a beautiful journey and I plan on continuing to smile outloud, even when I have no clue what I am doing. I learned that from my mother also :)