Fuck Moving On

I think it's best with this empty heart of mine that I move on.

Moving on, with a restless heart and a restless mind.

I'm moving on...


Today I won't cry, I won't let the tears fall down

Today I won't calm my thoughts and my mind,

because that truly means that you both are gone.

but sure, I'm moving on...


But, I ain't gonna listen to that it'll get easier talk.

I don't wanna hear that no more.

and I ain't gonna tell you that i'm doing fine,

I'm better off just silencing that.


I'll take this empty heart and fill it,

though I still can't fill it with you.

Sometimes it aches inside like a pit inside my heart,

but it's better than the empty that's there.


But still I find that it's gonna define me either way I try.

So forget moving on.

3 Little Birds Sit on my Shoulder...

Three little birds sit on my shoulder.

I catch them looking back at me in my reflection.

Sometimes I forget they are there.

Around them weave waves of blue water, crystal blue like both of your eyes.

A large sea-shell lies in between them, bold yet fragile as you were.

I carry it on my back.

They crash into one another the waves, the birds, the shell, to me they have always been one.

“Avery, what is mommy’s tattoo?” I ask my nearly two blond haired boy.

“Mom-mom, pop-pop angels.” He says proudly.

“That’s right baby.”

“Pretty,” he says exaggerating the two syllables.

I hear your voice when you first saw Caleb’s music noted arm.

“That doesn't impress me,” you said in that way you do, Philly strong.

I hear your voice and I smile out loud.

“Well too bad,” I say with a smile with my inner voice.

It allows me to tell your story in a different light.

It’s a mentor, a part of me, a beautiful sad love story.

“and we’ll share tomorrow together.”

I taught your  fun little grand-baby the lyrics the other day,

he especially loves to wail tomorrow, putting his hands in the air.

Until tomorrow my mentors. 

Until tomorrow, but there is still so much good to come.

You know, your with us.

“Why hello, what would you like to feel today?

“Why hello, what would you like to feel today? She asks.

“Today…,” I pause to think.

Most days she chooses for me so I am struck.

“You mean I get to pick? I ask with childish wonder.

She moves her hands to my shoulder, the pressure builds.

I hold my breath, but remember that’s exactly what she’s reminded me not to do.

 “Like I said, what do you want to feel today? She says calmly, her tone irritating me.

I raise my eyebrow and glare at her; I am my thirteen year old self.

“What options do I have? I ask my tone increasingly tense and irritated.

“You my dear, you have the power to choose.” She replies like a soft flute melody.

She is calm, centered and meditating slightly even during our conversation.

She whispers, “What would you like to feel today?”

The serenity of her voice is just beyond my reach. 

I shift into her melody, if only for a brief second and am surrounded by positive energy.

“I do want to be in that space,” I utter with a tear falling down my cheek.

“Then be that space,” she whispers and disappears like a figment of my imagination.