A Letter to You

Dear Baby Bub,

The moment is almost here. Your daddy and I are dying of anticipation. Though we feel like we know you already, it's time to meet you in person. To us, you are a little beautiful soul. We think you are calm because you sure have been good to me during this pregnancy. We also believe you have a strong streak but the way you furiously move my belly in moments. We also wonder if you are shy, or purposefully playful for the way you wouldn't let us capture your furious movements on video camera when we try. Each time we lift my shirt to capture it, the movement stops! We love you whether you are playful, shy, or just messing with us. We are still unsure if you are Avery or Adeline. Most of the pregnancy your daddy thought you were no question Avery, but lately I have been feeling that you might be Adeline. Your a blend of energy to me, and I don't get one or the other. Which is great. A boy with female characteristic (perhaps sensitive and calm like Daddy) and a girl with male characteristics (perhaps strong and determined like Mommy). Who knows?

You should know that every day we talk about you, we admire your movements, we discuss what you will look like. We picture you in our lives. Your daddy was specifically touched by the little bath tub you will be using here soon. Sitting in the bathroom tub, he couldn't help but push the button and play the little song it sings. He pictures your little body in the bathing hammock and says it just melts him, almost to tears. For me, its the little socks. I have always loved baby feet. And, right now 2 days after your due date your baby feet are kicking (visibly) right under my right breast pretty frequently. I look at the little socks in the room, how tiny they are, how tiny you will be, and I just can't wait to welcome and care for you.

Your daddy is amazing. He is a wonderful husband and will be the most amazing father. During this pregnancy he has taken the best care of us. He has cooked meals and cleaned the house. He has been there to do this and that when my energy level has been low. He is such a blessing to me and to you. He has laughed with me, and laughed at me. He even let me test our the breast pump to make sure it was working on his tiny hairy eraser nipples- his nipple pulling inside and out of the breast pump. I laughed hysterically. (This story I shared with all the woman at my baby shower!) He's the best and we are so lucky to have him and I can't wait to see him holding you in his big arms. I promise to put all of me into this journey we are about to take, I don't do anything halfway. I promise to love you unconditionally and strive to help you see that you can chose happiness and lightness in all you do in  your life.

And, you are not just loved by he and I. Your grandparents and "aunts and uncles" of many kind are dying of excitement. Everyone can't wait to see who has been in my belly growing throughout this time. Who we created during our dream come true wedding that had the greatest ending, you! To some you are baby Merlot, to some you are baby Bub (your daddy and I's name for you) and for others, you are baby A. Either way, you have a fan club already who is texting me all day dying to know if it's almost time to meet you!  I keep telling them, I feel great, the same, just waiting. And, our bodies have really worked well together. So well, that I get the sense that you are in no rush to join us in the real world. But, we promise when you decide to do so, it will be as comfortable.

So, on that note. We will see you soon! We hope you have the most relaxing entrance, knowing you are loved from the moment you take your first breath.

Love mommy (and daddy)

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

"The waiting is the hardest part

Every day you see one more card

You take it on faith, you take it to the heart

The waiting is the hardest part..." Tom Petty

I've been hearing the tune of one of my favorite men this week. And, I couldn't agree more. Pregnancy has flown by. Everyone said this would happen, but wow the anticipation is greater than anything else I have experienced. I remember lying in my bed half-awake my wedding night, happy butterflies ticking my belly. I remember telling myself to close my eyes and go to sleep. It's been like that for over two weeks now. 

My midwife Jayne thought I was going to have our little one in our arms the weekend of July 27th/July28th and that date came and went. Today is my official due date, August 7th 2012. I am filling my days, among working from home on educational needs with long walks with my hubby and swims at the pool. And, our eating out budget sure is at its max! Thanks Jayne for recommending we live, enjoy, eat out, have romantic dinners now before our little consuming-blessing arrives. And, Caleb and I never hesitate to treat ourselves! 

The house is ready, organized and reorganized. Baby bub's room is meticulous, everything is in place. Extra diapers will be deliver by Amazon, every drawer is organized, beds are made, bags are packed for the hospital visit, and as my by Tom said, the waiting is the hardest part. 

And this little one's entrance is torturing others. The daily text messages, calls and questions. Like my morning check in from Danielle, sending me love or seeing how I am feeling. Hearing the same from Laurie, Gina, Julie, Sarah, our moms and others daily. I can't even call my mom anymore! I have to preface the call with "I am not in labor..." The post office guy said this morning, "Still round I see.. no baby yet huh?" He predicts a baby girl. 

For the record baby bub, you should know the following. Mom-mom shelby, Papa Rob, Gina, Patrick, Lisa, Sarah and the post office guy are predicting girl. Me-ma Tucker, Laurie, your daddy, and mostly everyone else is predicting girl. 

Either way, it's an exciting week full of predictions.Gina arrives Thursday and my mom on Friday on my 30th birthday. My body is ready, I have amazing people who support me, and it's truly no lie when I say I feel great. I am ready for both the mental and physical challenge that is coming. When the moment comes, I will be ready, and more so I will be excited. 

My belly at 39 weeks 

I am blessed and if the waiting is the hardest part, I will wait patiently (well as patiently as I can!). I know we are going to be elated with love and joy soon. 

A Mother Tucker's Pregnancy Journey

In so many conversation during pregnancy, mothers you know and admire, (and sometimes strangers) recall their journey with you. Like the lady at Maggie Moo's ice cream shop the other day who told me she gained 95lbs with one kid and 9 with the other...Uh...ok thanks :) But then there are the conversations you do want to have, like with my sister Gina over every detail, or with my Tucker sister Laurie about the two very different deliveries she had, or remembering details of my cousin Lisa's pregnancy, and chatting with friends about the context of their journeys. And of course our mother's journeys. As my mother-in-law Cindy was recalling her memories (33 years later) of carrying Caleb, it triggered something in me. When I look back and share the details of this time in my life with my future child (or daughter in law) there are some key things I hope to remember and if not, here I have it in writing.

1. Yes we have names picked out but this little guy or girl has been "baby bub" from the start. Wondering where the name comes from? Yes, bubbi is also the name for a Jewish grandmother, but somehow Bub and Bubbi is Caleb and I's name to one another. AND, Julian our nephew called Caleb "Uncle Gub" when he couldn't pronounce his name so it's all too fitting. Baby Bub the son or daughter of Uncle Gub :) And, then constructed by my girlfriend Allison, it's second nickname is Baby Merlot. Well, of course because of the whole wine country baby creation.  

2. Baby bub/Merlot has been an active little one. This child inside loved to show it's skills. Shifting my belly left and right. And every time it's dad-to-be tried to capture it on video, it was suddenly frozen still. (Perhaps messing with us, or camera shy;) His or her personality will reveal itself soon. 

3. Throughout pregnancy my goal was to be "normal Dana" and so baby bub went to many live music shows, several of which were baby bub's father's band Dielectric Sound. This baby also camped many weekend in the Rocky Mountains, and took a fantastic trip to Philadelphia visiting the Jersey shore for it's first introduction to beaches and east coast delicious food. All while partaking in educational policy and reform, yoga classes, and coming along as I married two couples! I learned during this time that the baby barely noticed his/her daddy's loud drums on stage, but went nuts to the sound of him playing the harmonica (on stage and by the campfire). And, marrying two couples including a beautiful friend of mine Danielle was extra special with a kicking baby inside.  See my wedding officiant blog here.

June 2012: (32 weeks- Over 8 month)

4. For the most part, people's reaction has been "you barely look that pregnant, your how far??" And, my reaction has been great, "I am okay with that, because I sure feel good." So far, at 33 weeks, my baby has been good to my body, and I have truly been doing really well. I have had a great pregnancy. Just feeling like more and more like an old lady (insert Caleb's mocking old lady voice) hoisting me off the couch late night, or watching me slowly hike up our stairs. 

5. On another note, ultrasounds were really amazing at our initial doctor's office (see the 3d picture below).  I was always on the 3d/4d machine which made for amazing photo-opportunities. But, through this process I intuitively I didn't want any additional fear or stress on myself and so I switched to a midwife practice at Swedish hospital. There was instantly less fear, less worry, and it suited Caleb and I's philosophy on trusting the process. Now our baby will be delivered by the same midwife (Jayne Jones), as his or her cousins' Lydia and Morrison. Though the ultrasounds are less like the Glamour shots we got used to, the practice is soothing. After all our bodies know what to do. 

6. Though the early ultrasounds were incredibly active, baby was in yoga poses and moving around wild, now our little baby face most stares at us (see photo). Last week, at 32 weeks Caleb referred to our child lovingly as the "Terminator," partly because he has an affinity to imitate Arnold. But mostly because we got a skeletal stare- with round eyes moving slowly left to right, left to right, left to right. Maybe it's those infamous Devine/Nardello eyeballs after all ;) 

And, even though I feel great, for the last couple of weeks and for the rest of this pregnancy I am on a modified bed-rest. I have to be off my feet as much as possible. Which is hard for me, almost as hard as not talking with my hands :) And, at about the same week as my sister, just yesterday they gave me a steroid shot to enhance the baby's lung development and strengthen my cervix. Quite common actually. So, I am almost 34 weeks and my midwife's goal is for me to get to 37 weeks, so our baby does not need respiratory support. And my personal goal is to make it to Nate and Courtney's Estes Park wedding on July 21st.  I am taking it easy.  

So, these are a few of the things that I will hold onto about this pregnancy. And, of course there are many anecdotes and memories that are between a couple. There are things we laugh about with one another and the subtle loving relationship shift that feels so nurturing that occur. I will also share with my child and whoever ask, the power of what we can create in our worlds. 

Like a gift from the universe for a career shift that came my way with supportive professionals who have enabled me abundant support throughout the finale of this pregnancy. Less stress, being treated as the professional I am, and a four day work week this school year for long weekends with our baby. I am blessed. And, like my powerful mother, I too believe in the power of creating what we want in this world. Sometimes I am asked, "are you scared?" or "are you worried?" I can genuinely say no. I chose to only live knowing that we can create the best for ourselves and for one another and that ultimately it is you that is creating your reality. And, I already know I have created a beautiful journey and I plan on continuing to smile outloud, even when I have no clue what I am doing. I learned that from my mother also :)

A Dedication to Michele, My Mother

My mother has cancer.  She is the bravest woman I know. But don't you dare feel sorry for her.

Her battle returned just prior to our vineyard wedding. Amidst the planning, the excitement, the anticipation for the entire family... the battle returned. And, not for a second did she worry about herself. She protected me. She didn't want the news to shadow my wedding bliss. "Mom, are you kidding me?" I'd ask. Then over and over I had to tell her that when it comes down to it, the wedding is a day and that she and her health were much more important. She didn't listen. She has a tendency to do that.

I'm discovering internally now that that's what makes a mother, a mother.

I am anticipating the day that I can fully understand the feeling of that care, that dedication, that protection of your own child. That selflessness. I am feeling these maternal instincts lately, that urge to protect. Like the fact that I cringe every time Caleb jumps the curb and does a trick during our bike rides. "Babe, I have been doing this for a long time. If I fall, I scrape my legs," he says.  I know, I know, he's 32. But, I am beginning to understand those internal instincts of protection.

Caleb calls my mom, "tough as nails." She really is.  My mother is the opposite of a martyr.  There is nothing and nobody who can get in her way. Yet, she is also selfless, the mom who would feed and take care all of our friends, east coast honest, with a sense of humor and someone who never accepts no for an answer. She writes her own rules in this world.  Some of those rules creating some really funny stories over time (those are for another day).

She is an true inspiration. When she lost her hair during the first battle, we joked about finding the hottest wig around. When she lost her breasts my sister and I washed her in the shower after her surgery. "Don't make me laugh, she said wincing and smiling." When we complimented her perky new additions. There was not even an inkling of defeat in that wince.

Not living in the same state as my mom is getting harder by the day. As my baby grows so is the need for me to be with her. I want to experience this journey with her most. I am feeling the urge to talk with her about her birthing experiences. And yes, as Caleb knows well I cry about moving home from time to time.  I feel the need to ask her questions about raising three children. Heck, I might have to apologize again for that teenage angst and rebellion. (Getting arrested at the high school football game for drinking wasn't my shining moment).  And mostly, though I know proximity can't change her health, I want to ask her how she really is doing. I want her to know that if the answer is scared, that is okay. I want her to be able to speak her truth. Regardless of a wedding, a baby on the way, or the fact that we live in different states.

Oh, and while I am at it I should ask her if she forgives me for doing the one she said not to do when I moved to Colorado. (Seven years ago on Saturday). "Just don't fall in love and never come back," she said as I finished packing up my little black Nissan. I remember she cried on the driveway that day, something she never did before.

But, I already intuitively know the answers. She is a mother.

Just last week, Gina, Joey and I were worried about the doctor's latest news. "What the heck can you do? I got good news and bad news today." She said. Joking, positive and back at work. "It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but what can you do? At least I am doing so well on the chemo..."

She will let no one or no thing make her a victim.

She says I am a lot like her (and I used to deny that).  But I embrace it today as a huge compliment.

Today I smile outloud for my mom, Michele (Shelby) Cannon. I smile outloud to the memories,  to a healthy future, and to how much I can learn about the love of a mother during this pregnancy. And, don't you dare feel bad for her. She won't accept that, but she'll take all the prayers she can get.


This one is dedicated to you mom.

Ps. This is what 20 weeks looks like :)

6 weeks

I'm Gonna Be a Mother Tucker! (We brought something special home from Callistoga). 
November 27th, 2011
My percussionist hubby and I began a tradition last year with our Grandma Lou and Grandpa Bob. The holiday tradition includes attending the Colorado Symphony's Drums of the World annual event. During the show, the crowd traveled with the virtuoso percussionists of the Colorado Symphony on a musical journey of discovery to learn all about fantastical drums of the world. I however, uncomfortably moved around in my seat feeling a little uneasy and a lot queasy. After the show we headed to for an authentic Mexican lunch at La Loma's. Everything looked delicious, but when it arrived in front of me I could barely touch my plate (unheard of) and the margarita felt bottomless, my throat closing up to the taste.



9 Weeks



After I moved from the back seat to the front when we were saying goodbye to our grandparents it really hit me. "Babe, I think we should go get a test." I finally said after I lost my lunch when we arrived home. I waited the long two minutes and there was a thin blue line. Thin, faint, but definitely a second line.

Caleb sat lesson planning for his students at the kitchen table, "babe, look can you see that line?" Caleb doubted the test, was that really a line? I did what every girl would do, I called my sister! "Forget the ones with lines she told me, those suck. Go get the test with the YES and the NO." I was back at King Soopers for the second time in a half hour. After that two minutes, there was no doubt and it was a very clear YES. I sat the test down on a 4th grade spelling tests that sat in front of him. He looked up with his red pen in his hand, wide-eyed and smiling outloud.

We were pregnant.

It was our one month wedding anniversary. We brought home so much more than amazing memories from the vineyards.

This past Monday we watched our little "YES" jump, suckle its lips to drink, move its arms around and refuse to lay flat for the ultrasound technician's test. Our little "YES" is a 3 (almost 4) inch miracle growing inside me. A 3 inch baby, 3 months pregnant, just shy of 3 years since I found Caleb. Yet another reason to smile outloud.   

12 Weeks

12 Weeks

16 Weeks